Hello boys and girls. It’s time for another missive from everyone’s favorite facial hair, The Beard. I have to apologize for any delays in publishing the column this week. Body of Dalrymple was quite besotted from celebrating after both the Canadian Men’s and Women’s hockey teams demonstrated our utter superiority at the art of smacking a small object with a stick while on skates. Just wait until the next Winter Olympics when Baby Seal Clubbing is recognized as a sport…we will dominate. Unfortunately, even the glorious victory of our mighty hockey warriors cannot completely lift my spirits. Sadly, I have unfortunate news to announce. It’s been a closely guarded secret, but in addition to loaning our visage to the Emoti people I have been hard at work developing an iPhone application. Imagine my outrage when I received an email from Apple recently informing me that Sexy Beard Pics Touch would not be accepted into the iTunes App Store.

It is truly an injustice that this premium collection of pictures of yours truly in a selection of tastefully exotic swim-wear will never see the light of day. I’m completely crushed by this. Literal man-minutes of coding time wasted, not to mention the hours spent under hot klieg lights while my photos were taken.

The real affront is Apple’s transparently hypocritical decision to leave in applications from so-called “respectable” publications like Playboy and Victoria’s Secret. I’ll have you know that The Loop is the authoritative source for exotic facial hair pictures. Even worse are the rumors that I’ve heard that Tom Sellek’s Mustache and Chest Hair Browser will be approved.

Now that I have that off of my chin, there is another sensational Apple story making the rounds that I want to comment on. Of course I’m referring to the stunning revelation that China (where Apple, along with the rest of the consumer electronics industry, has their hardware manufactured) has a history of mistreating workers.

If not for the daring investigation into Apple’s suppliers performed by Apple, Apple would have gotten away with these egregious actions. Wait, something seems wrong with that previous sentence. That’s right, you wouldn’t know it from the coverage coming out of the majority of the tech media, but it was Apple that uncovered the violations among their suppliers and demanded that changes be made to avoid such issues in the future. The fiends! The next thing you know they will be working with Greenpeace to improve their environmental impact.