Jesús y Maria the iPad has finally been revealed. At last Face O’ Dalrymple and I can return to the great white North. Now that the speculation is over we can get down to the serious business of making fun of the idiots feverishly blogging about how the iPad is crap. First though, to answer the question that must be on all of your minds, no, I will not be getting an iPad. And why is that? Is it the lack of multi-tasking? The absence of a camera? The omission of Flash? No it is none of those things. It is Apple’s continued insistence on using capacitive Multi Touch. “What?” you say, “how can an intelligent and sophisticated being such as The Beard deny the glory that is Multi Touch?” Well, here’s how. Have you ever tried to operate a Multi Touch device using hair? Ha! I didn’t think so. Oh yes, capacitive Multi Touch is all fine and dandy for Face of Dalrymple; what with those greasy fingers and all, but it’s nigh impossible for me.

So, there you go; the iPad is not for me, besides to paraphrase another great Canadian, “What does a Beard need with a tablet.” Nonetheless, I think that the iPad is a wonderful device. In fact I heard that my good friend Walt Mosspuppet had a cardiac arrest upon first touching one. The iPad sits perfectly in the niche of consumers who need more power and real-estate than the iPod Touch, but don’t require a full powered laptop. But not everyone agrees. Let’s hop onboard the crazy train and take a quick tour of the land of Wrong.

First up we have the perennially lost Paul Thurrott. First off a hint to Paul, live blogging may be all the rage, but this stream of consciousness stuff is annoying. Anywhoo, I’m just going to pull one quote, because spending much more time on this loser makes me want to drown myself in Nair: “And what’s with the huge bezel? It’s actually … can I say this about an Apple product? … ugly.” Ok … first … Paul … You aren’t … BillShatner so stop trying to talk like him. Second, the bezel is where you rest your thumbs you lack-wit; your greasy, greasy thumbs.

Moving on we have Robert “Man-child” Scoble who actually posted the opinion of his sixteen year old brat. I eagerly await Scoble Jr’s review of acne medication. I hear it’s a page-turner.

Last, and certainly least, we have Old Man Winer. In between shouts of “get off my lawn you hippies” and incoherent mumbling about how Twitter stole his suggested user list Dave took some time to castigate Apple for not building another netbook, then stating that he’ll buy an iPad anyway. Stand true to those principles you crazy old bastard, stand true.

Well, there you have it. The iPad is out and we can all start making up rumors about the next iPhone. Better hurry though, Erica Sadun has a head start. Until next time my friends, adieu.